Sunday, December 4, 2011

Up Down Up Down Up Down

Ok I have wrote this post about 200 times
ok maybe 20
but still

I start out with something
then I stop
I think who cares
I think quit whining
I think wow people have it way worse

But I have this blog to help me journal
 to decompress
to get my thoughts out there
because I know that I am human
and people can relate to me

so here goes...
(this is really long and sad so if you don't read I don't blame you
happier post soon I promise)

It's no secret
I have infertility issues
like to the point that when people ask me who I am
I no longer wanna say Hi, Im Erica
I want to say Hi nice to meet you, I'm Infertile
I guess I just never thought "it could happen to me"
Honestly I was kind of oblivious.
I always thought if people didn't have kids
they didn't want them, not that they were unable to.

I read one of the most breathtaking birth stories the other day
My stomach seriously ached while reading it
that empty hole in my belly was screaming at me
I am pretty sure it is still aching somewhat.
I read about the torturous labor pains and so on
At that moment as tears ran down my face I thought
I would do anything to experience that.
Weird isn't it?
That I would want that kind of pain
but that pain means life and something you created.

It is so hard to explain this to people
Truly it is hard to explain to myself
And really there is no way to understand
unless you are in it or have been thru it

I never wanted to be that girl
that obsessed over having a baby
I never wanted to cry everytime someone announces they are pregnant
I never ever wanted to be a person of jealousy
I never wanted to be a person of comparisson
I never ever wanted to doubt why things happened the way they do
But I am that girl.

Why am I writing this?
I don't know.
But it feels nice to open up.
To let in a little light on a subject that is truly misunderderstood.
Thanks for putting up with my post and if you have a friend dealing with infertility.
Give em a hug because even though they don't say it or show it.... They need it.


Caroline and Kyle said...

Praying for you girl! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I know there are people out there who appreciate your openess (me being one of them!).

Lesley said...

You will be a mommy I know it! Keep your head up, I know its painful but it will happen. Don't give up... Love you!

Erica said...

Thanks girls!! You both know how to make me smile! Love ya!

Leigh Rinas said...

Erica, I wish I could be there for you to give you a big hug! I have no idea the pain you are going through. But I know that when I am sitting here alone complaining to myself, all I need is a hug to feel 100% better. I love you and cannot wait to see you again! Stay Strong, beautiful!

Ashley said...

You know I can relate to ya! And I love your openness because that is exactly how I feel at times! I feel bad sometimes when I get jealous and think why am I acting like this. One day will be our day:) Stay strong!!! You know I am here for you.