Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Getting Real

ok so i have a ton of things to post like......
whats on my phone what i wish i wore wednesday among other things
but i decided to just get real, you know actually "journal" what i started this for
i am not sure why i feel the need to write about my life for the whole world to see. its so weird because i cant even put into words why i do it. i am usually extremely happy and try to see the good in everything (besides the users and abusers in the ER but thats a whole other story) but tonight i am having trouble seeing the good in....... anything. first let me start off by saying my mother is a saint. she seriously always knows what to say and is there for me no matter what. she is the epitomy of "call up momma when all else fails". without her im pretty sure i would be a mess. ok so whats this all about???? INFERTILITY! you know the big pink elephant in the room. the reason i layed on the cold floor tonight sobbing. poor hubs helpless. hes hurting too. i know it is different with guys but he tries so hard to be there for me. infertility is a nasty nasty thing it can be crippling at times. i know if your reading this and you have been there you understand and if your reading this and dont understand its really ok, you dont have to say anything just hug your babies a little tighter knowing that you have them. i have always wanted to be a mommy i mean its a BIG thing for me. we have tried and tried and tried and TRIED, nothing, not even a glimmer of hope. and before you ask what all have you tried? Why don't you just relax? Or say It will happen. The answers are too many, because we want it so bad, and that's not good enough. All I want is to see two pink lines! All I am asking for is one, not ten, just one. I am tired of it being my fault i am tired of hearing i am too fat i am tired of hearing that i need to relax i am tired of having to see children neglected at work everyday. I AM JUST TIRED OF BEING TIRED. I am not
writing for sympathy and I am not writing to offend anyone I am simply writing because it
helps. infertility sucks.

The end

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